On cutting (trigger warning)

Self harm.

We do it in many ways, often not physical but cognitive.

But I'm going to focus in this post on the physical self harm, specifically cutting.

I have plenty of experience with that so that's something I can share my own view on.

My cutting started at a young age of 8, small cuts at first with a blade taken from a pencil sharpener.

Over time my cuts became deeper as I chased the blood flowing from my left arm and leg as means of escape from anxiety.

I quess the release of hormones induced by physical trauma also played a big part but there was something symbolic and enthralling seeing the blood flow freely.

I also often "used" my cuts again by scratching them open as they healed.

I never got them stitched even though they were quite deep, leaving me with a plethora of scars.

This all continued until my twenties, when I did my last cut while psychotic.

Something shifted and I wanted to get rid of my ill gotten way of handling tough emotions.

The way I went about this was that when I felt the need to cut (yes, it becomes an addiction) I instead did exercise, specifically pull-ups as I had a bar set at home.

At first it felt like not working as well as the instant release provided by cutting.

But soon enough the hormones released by exercise started to have a greater impact than the cutting, where the relief subsides soon and is replaced by shame over harming yourself in a visible way.

I didn't get properly into exercise and get in great shape but I could do 10 pull-ups in succesion pretty soon.

This worked and it's been over 10 years since I cut myself.

Still though when I bleed at times the blood calls back on old feelings but I no longer explore it as I once did.

My left arm and leg are riddled with big scars yet I don't hide them.

I like wearing t-shirts and let the scars on my arm be openly visible.

Sometimes I have gotten comments on them and my nephews were curious as how I'd gotten them but most people won't care.

I have even gotten a comment about how great it is that I let them show.

My scars are a part of me and I'm no longer ashamed of them at all.

With sharing this I want to let people who cut know that you can change your ways if you do decide so and that I understand the need from which it arises.

I want to tell you that it's okay and that there's no need to be ashamed.

It's just something you picked up to deal with a life that is often senseless and hard to cope with.

Though I said I show my scars openly you don't need to do so if you don't feel like that's something you want to show.

And there are many tattoo artists who cover scars with wonderful art if you want to cover that part of your life when you're done with it.

Also one way to stop yourself from cutting is to draw something, for example a butterfly over the area where you cut with a marker or the like, or even get a henna tattoo over it.

Protecting that image can make it easier to stop yourself when the need comes up.

As always thank you for reading and do value yourself.

You are important and I'm proud of you no matter how you might view yourself.

Nay, especially if you view yourself negatively, as that makes life harder yet you're still here and surviving.

Have a great day :)